


Only Then - June 12, 2016

by doctorcaseyholmes



Category: Original Work
Genre: Commemorative Poem, June 12 2016, Original Poem, Pulse shooting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 11:15:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11183970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctorcaseyholmes/pseuds/doctorcaseyholmes
Summary: One year ago today, there was a pointless attack at the Pulse Nightclub in Orlando, FL, where 49 lives were ended much too soon.  This is my response.





	Only Then - June 12, 2016

**Author's Note:**

> It's tough to even begin to describe the devastation we all felt last year. This was a tragedy, not only for our community, but for the whole world. And it feels never-ending, what with the Manchester bombing happening not too long ago. But there are sometimes that you can't just keep quiet about how you feel, can't keep it bottled up. So I'm sharing a poem I wrote last year and edited this year.
> 
> This is something that MATTERS, and something that I will not let go unremarked upon.
> 
> Please accept my humble fumblings through figuring out my feelings on what happened at Pulse.

_Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!_

It’s a heavy beat playing in the background

_Bang! Bang! Bang!_

But something isn’t right

_Bang! Bang!      Bang!                    Bang!_

That’s when the screaming begins

 

 

 

It was two AM on a Sunday morning

Last Call about to begin

When a man strides in

On the wings of hatred

 

His eerie music

With staccato notes

Plays on and on and on and on

Interspersed by wails and screams and “Get out!”s

 

3AM is met by bloody streets

Torn fences

Bodies on top of bodies

Carted through flashing red and blue lights

 

4AM is much the same

Those huddled in the bathroom

Know it is the last place they will ever see

“Mommy, I love you” glowing on a tiny screen

 

5AM, it’s gone on much too long

One man finally lays down

In the center of the carnage he wrought

Mission Accomplished: “Actions not soon forgot”

 

When the sun finally rose

As the last bullet fell

49 gone, 53 fair unwell

And the world trembles

 

 

 

12 hours later

My screen brings me the news

Speakers echo their cries

Hundreds of miles away I hide in a darkened bedroom

It’s not real

Something this terrible cannot exist

2016 or 1969?

I can’t tell anymore

Still, I watch their stories unfold

 

 

 

Is he dead?

Will she survive?

Where is my child?

Why isn’t he picking up?

Did they leave?

Will someone just tell me?

I just need to know, what names do you have?

Please, pick up.  Please.  Please.

 

 

 

A tragedy, they say

Terrorist attack, they say

Worst mass shooting in U.S. history, they say

He claimed ISIS, they say

Worst since 9/11, they say

He hated gays, they say

 

 

 

I don’t know what to say

I don’t have the words

There is nothing I can do

Separated, so far away

I do not belong

 

Because here I am

A minority part

Of a minority segment

Of a minority group

Hidden away in the + sign

Tacked onto a string of letters

What I am

Never disgusted anyone

Never ostracized me

Never made me suffer

I could live without any fear of harm

 

I have no right

To claim that this pain is my pain

 

I stay silent and alone in my darkened bedroom

 

Connected, only, by the light of my screen

 

 

 

We learn their names, their stories

A young girl, 18, just graduated

All the way up to a man in his 50s

Couples, people just beginning their lives

No chance now

 

Microphones in the faces

Of those just wanting to find loved ones

Screenshots of texts messages

A snapchat story of when it all began

The shots ringing out as her face contorts in confusion

 

The streets overflow

Hours to donate blood

Just wanting to help

Red life flowing into the victims

Who, irony of irony

Were never afforded the same curtesy

Never allowed to help others like them

Just because of who they loved

At least that doesn’t stop the blood-flow now

 

 

 

Flowers and vigils

Candlelight and singing

All across the world

Pride groups gather to mourn

 

Social media filled to the brim

Of those telling their stories

My friends recount the times they have been shunned

The times that hatred made them feel unwelcome

The times that fear prevented them

From acting out on day-to-day love

Intolerance has frozen them, hurt them, will haunt them forevermore

 

These do not apply to me

So I remain silent in my darkened bedroom

 

 

 

I am angry

Hashtags cannot contain

Everything I hear just adds

Adds up, multiplies, my anger cannot die

Unquenched

 

In my solitude

This black hole consumes me

Consumes everything

 

 

 

Two days after,

I venture out into the world

Have you heard?

 

“Old news,” someone replies

Something inside me dies

 

 

 

It is then that I realize

Why my anger will not bend

 

It does not matter

What community these people belong to

These people are people

Their tragedy is everyone’s tragedy

 

These people were just out for a night on the town

They were someplace that was supposed to be

Someplace where they could just exist without fear

Someplace where they could laugh and dance

Someplace where they would not receive strange looks

Someplace where their identity didn’t matter

Someplace where they could let go and have fun

Someplace where they could celebrate who they are

Someplace that is for them what the rest of the world is for everybody else:

 

Safe

 

 

 

Lin-Manuel Miranda cried it out on that stage:

“Love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is

Love cannot killed or swept aside”

Why, why then, why are people allowed to forget?

Why do people move on?

Say that this does not apply to them?

That it is someone else’s tragedy?

 

I say

No more

Feel this pain

It is yours to bear

 

 

Separate this community no longer

Tolerance is not enough

We need more

We need acceptance

Accept love into your hearts

No matter the shape

Only then

Only then will this not happen again

Only then

**Author's Note:**

> I've also posted this on tumblr as well. Go give it a listen (http://doctorcaseyholmes.tumblr.com/post/161751058419/bang-bang-bang-bang-its-a-heavy-beat-playing). This is the edited version of the poem I posted last year. If you want, I also posted that with it with audio (http://doctorcaseyholmes.tumblr.com/post/146377700929/bang-bang-bang-bang-its-a-heavy-beat-playing). That older post is probably worth listening to just because I read it when it was all still fresh, the emotions more raw. 
> 
> This is just something I wanted to share with all of you, and I hope y'all felt some of the emotions I was trying to covey.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Please share your thoughts and opinions. I would love to hear them.


End file.
